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Busy, But Having Fun

We're all on the move these days, swirling in activities and to-do lists. Terri Campbell, the CBC Calgary host of Daybreak Alberta is no different. However, this successful working mom with a dynamic family life has an unusual sense of peace when you meet her. Somehow, she exudes a sense that negotiating a complex life (job, three daughters, husband and free time) is possible. Ladies' Room Editor Gwen Pawlikowski talked with Terri Campbell to see just how it is that she has achieved work-life balance in her 21st century life.

GP: You have an interesting full-time job and you have a dynamic family life, plus you even manage to find time for some self-development in the form of golf lessons. Has all of this happened in an unplanned, organic way, or did you set out with a strategy to devote x hours to work, y hours to family and z hours for yourself? In essence, how did you get to the balanced state that you currently have?

TC: Hmm. First of all, it's very complicated! Life is all about juggling, multi-tasking, and writing lists. When the kids were little, it was really hard. Finding reliable childcare was the biggest issue. Glenn and I tried to work opposing shifts as often as possible. He'd work nights, 3 pm to midnight and I'd work day shifts. However, then essentially you're a single parent, which is also really difficult. It was so crazy and exhausting I decided to work part time about a year after Amy was born. But then you deal with the financial implications, and my career was really put on the back burner. Now I'm at a good place. I didn't really want to work full time, to be honest, but an opportunity came along and I had to go for it.

What makes it work for me is I'm lucky that my job affords a lot of flexibility. If I need to dash out for my kid's school play, if someone has a doctor's appointment, a teacher conference, etc., then I go. That's very important to me, and it's the only way I can work full time. I leave early twice a week right now, because Kate has 4 o'clock basketball games and I won't miss them. If I had a job where I was chained to a desk 9-5, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be happy, I'd resent the time I was spending working. My kids also know they can phone me at work, any time for any reason. Of course, the other side of this is, you still have to get the same amount of work done. So you come in early some days, stay later other days, etc. It all comes back to the mental juggling act, which can get exhausting, but the payoff is definitely worth it. And when I'm home, that's it. I don't do any work at home, I forget about my job. I also really love my job. When I' m at work I'm busy, I'm stimulated, and I think having a fulfilling work life and home life makes me a better mom.

An important part of this equation is my husband. It's so busy keeping the family going but he is very helpful, which is great. We occasionally have our "I'm more hard done by than you" arguments, but it seems to all work out. And we hired a cleaning lady because neither of us has time to do that.

As for making time for myself, that's also really tricky with kids. It's much easier now that they're older. When they were little, and Glenn and I were working different shifts, it was impossible. Now that they're bigger, Kate can baby-sit for a few hours, which frees me up to go do things I want to do. Kids tend to like their mom at home, but I pointed out that I should get some play dates, too. I'm a mom, yes, but I also have my own friends, and my own interests and they have to respect that. And they do. Glenn and kids are totally supportive when I want to take a course, take golf lessons, go to a movie with friends, etc. Next up, fencing lessons. I've been dying to take it up, I think now's the time. Having said that, truly, it doesn't happen all that often, because let's face it, the kids are pretty consuming. They're in activities, Maddy and Amy are in a theatre class and girl guides, and Kate rides once a week out of town. And it's always busy driving them around to these things, play dates, etc.

GP: It seems as though there have been at least three important elements in your life that have contributed to your work-life balance: 1) a flexible employer, 2) support in the form of outsourcing the house cleaning and 3) additional assistance with child care from other family members including your husband and oldest child. Have you had to "re-form" traditional family roles to achieve a functional balance? Or is the concept of everyone pitching in to help really more of a return to traditional family roles? What do you think? I ask this question because of your comment about needing play dates too. In my concept of traditional roles, moms didn't get play dates. Of course, my concept could easily be wrong. I guess this long question is really about how expectations of the mom role are developing.

TC: I would definitely say a flexible employer is extremely important. Having said that though, many jobs within CBC, i.e., reporting, producing some of the other shows, etc., are not as flexible. I think it's up to the individual to find something that works for her or try to make an arrangement that will work.

Support is also extremely important. I failed to mention Glenn's mom has been extremely helpful. I think it would be very hard if there were no trustworthy family members around to pitch in. So yes, she, Glenn and Kate are making it possible for me to get my life back. I feel like now I'm free to re-discover myself, and look after my needs. When the kids are little you, of course, devote yourself to their needs, and must make them a priority. But when they get older, I think it's ok to be more selfish.

Regarding traditional family roles, I don't think those roles work for a lot of people in this day and age, with many moms working outside the home. I think everyone in the family has a responsibility to pitch in, including the kids. If I were a stay-at-home mom, I would consider running errands, cleaning the house, and grocery shopping part of my job. That is a big job, and a valuable one. But when I work outside the home all day, I refuse to do all that other stuff on my own. I basically take care of the delegating and still do the lion's share, but there is a clear expectation that everyone else helps out. My job as a mom is to love the kids and support them, take extreme interest in them and their activities but it's not to do ALL the cleaning and cooking. I expect my kids to respect me as a person, and respect that I have interests and friends outside of the home. And I don't think that was ever the case with my mom. Her life revolved around the home, and her family and I think we took her for granted. I think it's healthy for everyone to see a mom with other things going on, while still making family a priority.

Here's the other thing Gwen, I am NOT a believer in structuring every minute of my kids' days. I guess I don't have the time, or money, to have them in different activities 24/7. I like them having plenty of time for unstructured play, with friends, sisters, on their own, and time to just hang out, leisurely get to homework, help out with dishes and clean up. They're each allowed to do two activities at a time (fortunately the two younger ones are in the same one.) And it may seem harsh, but I guess I make it clear to them my life does not revolve around driving them all over the place every minute of the day. If moms try to be all things to all people all the time, they're going to burn out. You have to be able to say no, you have to take time to take a bath, light some candles, shut the door, and have the kids be ok with that.

GP: Hallelujah Sister! Do you remember the eighties, when the whole Superwoman thing was big? In your words, I hear you saying the Superwoman myth is dead. I had a conception, before and even when I started mothering, that I would have endless energy and that I would do everything. I was strong, I was invincible, yada yada. Call it my personal interpretation of feminism. I was so wrong! First of all, I don't have that energy. Second, even if I did, I got tired of doing things for others and not enough for myself. I still battle these dragons, but I'm making progress. What do you do to replenish yourself through "self-care?" You mentioned the calming baths. Any other self-soothing secrets up your sleeve?

TC: I am personally a big fan of spas: pedicures, massages, facials. Three hours for highlights is also a wonderful thing. Movies and dinners with friends, walks, going out for coffee with friends, a once a month dress club meeting with other school moms, where we sit around drinking wine, talking about stupid stuff...and time for reading is huge! During the week, it's usually reserved for bed time but on days off, I usually try to book myself at least a couple of hours one afternoon just to read. Oh, stupid reality TV shows too. Can't be news and CNN all the time!

GP: Tell me what you're reading these days. Any soul-soothing books?

TC: Oh, I have been very distressed by the whole James Frey controversy...did you read A Million Little Pieces? I read it just before Christmas and was mesmerized. It was incredible. I couldn't believe it when www.smokinggun.com called him on the facts, and I still wanted to support him. Then when he admitted lying on Oprah. It was a very sad day. I still read his follow up, My Friend Leonard. Also, I'm a huge fan of historical novels and am reading a big fat one by George R.R. Martin. It's actually got some fantasy thrown in too...huge escapism. I get a ton of books at work. Actually I just read a great book by a Toronto journalist about the "friendly fire" incident. He had access to court transcripts, etc, that had never been made public before.

GP: I see the many ways you are finding enjoyment in your life, and particularly in taking care of yourself. Let's go back briefly to your career. How do you manage achievement in your work? Since you don't have a lot of opportunity for overtime, I would guess you have to make every minute count. How do you manage your time, manage stress and make decisions in a way that allows you achieve?

TC: I'm lucky because I get to do stories that I personally find interesting. That is the only parameter really. Does it have an Alberta connection, and is it interesting to me. I really like quirky, featury stories, with people that have a real passion for what they're doing. A story I found, for example, that I'm very interested in is wheelchair curling. A Calgary team is the provincial winner, heading off to the championships in BC this month. I love profiling indie musicians. I'm sort of a nut for organizing stuff, and I like producing and timing my shows, and directing and teching. I guess there's enough variety that it keeps things interesting, which is key. I wouldn't want to be doing the same thing, day in, day out.

As for stress, I only do what I can do. There's no point fretting about what doesn't get done, or how something could have been better with more time. I figure it's just a job; it's not life and death. I've also figured out, as I get older, that I can be a lot more assertive. It really doesn't matter if I ruffle a few feathers. I also work very independently, which is nice in some ways because there aren't a lot of politics and bullshit to worry about. Sometimes though, I feel like I'm in a vacuum and would like to be part of a team. To address that, I'm going to backfill some of the hosts on other shows in the summer, just to mix things up. I've also started doing more PR things, like MC'ing, hosting and getting out in the community more. It's fun to talk to listeners. Other things are hard with a family...I was supposed to go to Toronto for a week for a training course before Christmas, but there was no way. The other thing that helps out is I have some really good friends at work, and they are a HUGE support system. I've been here so long I have really great working relationships with everyone, and that's important to me, too.

GP: Finally, about "life purpose" and "peace." You seem to be clear in the attainment of these. How does a person, particularly women, who are often disadvantaged and overworked, get clear on life purpose, and achieve a sense of peace?

TC: It's not ok to just give up, go with the flow, and complain about your life and your job. You have to take action if you're unhappy. That can seem daunting, I guess, but what other choice is there? If there are problems, with your life, with your job, then address them. Here's a horrible cliché, but it's so true. You only get one life. It's up to you to make the most of it. That may seem unsympathetic, but there it is. Avail yourself of resources, whether it's in the community, your family, government and help yourself out.

Other things I believe in: try not to get so focused on a goal, or the big picture, that you lose track of what's happening along the way. I'm really trying to work on that myself. It's really important to slow down and take that extra second to admire your daughter's picture or throw a softball with her.

And in that vein, a final thing comes to mind. Take pleasure in the little things. Use a purple pen instead of a black one; use coloured paper clips instead of the boring ones. I have a favourite yellow coffee mug I like to use. Chances are, even if life seems really hard and kind of bleak, there is SOMETHING in the day that can cheer you up, and make you more hopeful. Yikes, that sounds so pollyanna-ish. But it is true. I actually talked to a counsellor from the Hope Foundation in Alberta, who said the same thing. You have to learn to notice and appreciate small things that give you some pleasure.

GP: Thanks a bunch for your comments, Terri. Looking forward to hearing you and your reports on Internet radio!

You can listen to Daybreak Alberta live on the Internet every weekend between 6:00 am and 9:00 am Mountain Standard Time at www.cbc.ca/listen. To convert time zones, try www.timeanddate.com. You can also listen to some of the stories she's been working on through the CBC site. Just search the site using "Terri Campbell".