LIVE, PLAY

 »Middle East Meets Far West

The Trouble with Taarof

Iranian people have a unique feature. Taarof seems so nice, but frequently causes trouble for us. I cannot directly translate it, because there is no such thing in English, at least not that I know.

Iranians are known as hospitable and friendly people, like many other Middle Easterners and Asians. We learn to respect guests and serve them. We are used to making offers that we don't really expect anyone to accept, such as giving a ride home to a guest on a Sunday at midnight if they live on the other side of the city. Paying the entire bill for a dinner out when sharing was anticipated is another example. Or, another case is simply inviting a friend to our home when we are not ready. We just do it because we want to be nice. We call these just-for-the-sake-of-being-kind offers taarof. I admit it is a bit hard to recognize the real offer from a taarof ! The best way for me was to ask everyone, not to Taarof with me at all, in return I was trying to be straightforward too. It takes time but eventually people accept you this way.

As long as we are in Iran, usually there is no problem. It is not easy though, but at least we know each other. We expect taarof and when receiving one, very politely decline, but appreciate, the gesture.

However, when we leave Iran and the company of Iranians, we sometimes get stuck. For instance, an Iranian friend of mine began small-talking with another non-Iranian female passenger on public transit. They spoke for a while and then happened to get off at the same stop. My Iranian friend, because of her background, invited the woman to her house. Guess what? She accepted it. My friend was so shocked; she was not expecting it, because she didn't know that lady, she never meant to invite her home and couldn't imagine the lady might accept to go to the house of a stranger.

In another case, my (Iranian) husband's (non-Iranian) co-worker offered him a ride on a rainy day. Believing this to be a Taarof, my husband declined, and then had to walk home in the rain. He would have accepted if the coworker had asked him one more time, showing his sincerity.

I wonder if taarof of a different sort exists in North American society. As far as I see, people here are so straightforward, they do what they really like to and they never taarof. Many times, I have received kind offers from friends, but I was not sure whether I could accept. Although, I would have liked to accept their offers, I didn't. Still I am not comfortable with it. I try to, but always there are some doubts stopping me.

Without any Taarof, if anyone can show me a clue, please do!