PARENT, TEACH

 »Managing Your Pre-School Team

Parenting Kids with Potty Mouth

Twinkle, twinkle, little…POOP!"
My four-year-old pauses dramatically.
How I wonder what you…POOP!"

I raise my eyebrows in the adult language of sarcasm that she doesn't understand, but she convulses in laughter anyway. She's very pleased with herself. The giggles roll through her body as she experiments with words, humour and the taboo language of the bathroom.

Maybe she won't do this at Grandma's, I think. How naïve I am.
"You're a poopy Grandma! You're a poopy Grandma!" I hear them laughing together. Oddly enough, Grandma isn't offended, hurt or shocked. In fact, she's playing along. Could this be the same woman who taught me to use words like "urinate" and "void" from the same early age? That I should mention I needed to go "number 1" or "number 2"? The medical language and euphemism is gone. She's talking street talk now. And my daughter is completely delighted.

There are certainly moments when it's all cute and fun. But mostly the bathroom talk gets tedious and sometimes embarrassing. My two preschoolers seem to work urine or fecal matter into almost any conversation and many of them leave me blushing or blanching under the scrutiny of those who are probably judging me a bad parent.

I'm not sure what to do about it, so as in many cases, I go to the Internet and search for the on-line experts who can help with some advice. As well, I spoke to other moms for their input. I have assimilated seven tips to help me manage potty mouth.

1. Ignore it. Bathroom talk is a phase that will pass. Actually, lots of grown men like bathroom talk too. So maybe it will, maybe it won't. An article from the Scholastic site suggests we "avoid focusing on 'bathroom' humor. The more you react to this type of talk, the more attractive it is to children." At the very least, our kids will find the right opportunities to use it.

2. Talk to the kids about the implications of bathroom humour. Suggest that it leaves people feeling embarrassed. Here would be an optimal time to mention that not all people or families have an open door bathroom policy. Not everyone is comfortable with having an observer march in, while a poop is in process, for a little chat about how her brother has unfairly removed a stuffed animal from her clutches. Some folks prefer not to multi-task at these moments.

3. Distinguish between bathroom talk and name calling. One useful site, the Pampers Parent Centre offers suggestions for all the bad language preschoolers might use, including swearing and bathroom talk. The writer urges parents to teach respect. "Explain that these words hurt people's feelings, that it makes no difference if other kids are using the same language, and that name-calling simply isn't allowed." Burnaby mom Sue Choy offers the idea of a "Safe House" or safe zone within a family or school setting where feelings, bodies and work are to be safe and free from the unsafe practice of name calling.

4. Create a space where bathroom talk will be permitted. This space may be a particular room, building or a common space shared by only family members. Joan Schmalz, a Langley mom of a five- and two-year-old, says "bathroom talk stays in the bathroom" at her home. She says she hasn't had a problem yet and crosses her fingers. I opted for the times and locations when only family members are around. This is slightly more complex and harder to enforce. My hope that the open chit chat will make sex and menstruation talk blase when they become issues.

Another website had an interesting perspective suggesting children's use of bathroom talk is another case of them testing the limits of what's private when it comes to talking about body parts, Adoption.com posts a response to a letter from a mom looking for help with her child's bathroom talk. Dr. Martha Erikson writes, "Although preschool children have not quite learned to be embarrassed themselves, they are trying to figure out the rules and limits of what is acceptable to others. To determine what those limits are, they find all kinds of ways to test them (like seeing how many bathroom words they can say before mom and dad lose their cool)." So the idea of allowing some talk in limited locations has merit.

5. Maintain your own perspective and sense of humour. Sometimes potty mouth is funny. Even adults laugh at this on occasion. (Note aforementioned males.) Actually, when I lived in Japan, I was amazed at the open joking around such topics as farting and masturbation, generally viewed as taboo here. I wonder whether the ban on bathroom talk is primarily from the dominant white, Anglo-Saxon, protestant culture. Hang on to your demographics. With increasing multiculturalism through ongoing immigration, times are changing. North American culture is changing. And since humour is dependent on culture, we may see a change in the general cultural policy on bathroom talk.

6. Decide not to worry if others consider you a bad parent. Easier said than done, particularly in a society when most people think it's kosher to comment on the parenting styles of others. I will make this my mantra. Ahmmm…Today, I will not care if others think I'm a bad parent.

7. Acknowledge the power of bathroom words in your children's social network. It's an amazingly powerful thing to make another person laugh and doing so gives some time in the spotlight. The Pampers Parent Centre website notes "the ability to make adults laugh is enormously powerful when you're small." This hits a nerve with me. I see my five-year-old actively seeking the attention and engagement of adults as well as kids. I see how he enjoys holding their attention. I hope that the bathroom talk will end as he learns more appropriate ways to engage the attention of others and feel the pure joy of having another person listen intently to what he is saying.

These seven tips ultimately remind me to be patient and not to worry. Like so many of the issues parents of preschoolers face, this one will probably resolve itself as long as I don't make too big a deal of it.

Worst-case scenario: excessive laughing. I can live with that.