PARENT

Eight Reflections on Self-Confidence for Moms

Susan had longed for months for the day when her last child would start school. She dreamed of that September and its liberating potential. But when September came, Susan, with her renewed free time, suffered a paralysis in her planning. Years of unpaid work at home had kept her from the paid work force. She recognized her confidence had plummeted from earlier days.

Like this fictional mom, many moms find re-entry to the paid work force a challenge. Often a major barrier lies not in the larger society, but inside our own heads as we struggle with issues of self-confidence.

During the past five years, I've participated in career planning with a wide range of people trying to overcome their barriers to employment. Many of them have been mothers who have been out of the workforce for several years. During that time, they have prompted me to consider self-confidence, both as a general concept and to examine my own. From this basis, I've organized eight reflections on the topic of self-confidence for finding a new job following a maternal leave away from what society deems a "regular job".

Reflection 1: Self-confidence issues are not just in your head. Our society values and pays women less for our work than men. Statistics Canada noted that women in 1997 were earning about $.80 for every dollar that men earned, although never-married women tended to earn a similar figure to what never-married men earned. (See Survey of Labour and Income Dynamics: The wage gap between men and women.) The main reason cited for the disparity in wages is women's lesser work experience (averaging four years). Clearly, time away from the paid workforce plays a detrimental role in our currency since unpaid mothering work is not valued.

Furthermore, we tend to become even less valued by our culture as we age, if we gain weight and as we decrease in attractiveness. Yes, you were able to get a lot more attention when you were 21 and before those babies came along. Yes, a lot of good things came our way just because we were cute and charming. Those days are probably gone. Now it's time to get tough and to really start arguing for yourself. You can do it. You've endured pregnancy, giving birth and raising pre-schoolers. Give yourself an extra strength point if you attempted breast-feeding.

Reflection 2: Some barriers are not in your head and some are. Yes, as mentioned above, the world is not fair. As women, we function on a playing field that is not level. People of colour have the same uneven circumstances. As do people with a non-heterosexual orientation. Yet, everyday, all over the world, people overcome oppression and adversity to gain better lives for themselves and their families. You can do this too. Be strong. Be assertive. But also be realistic.

Reflection 3: Set a goal, any goal. There's a strong chance your goal will change along the way. It doesn't matter. Set a goal and get started working toward it. Start with tiny, tentative steps like researching the job you want on the Internet. Check www.jobfutures.ca or collect ads from www.monster.ca to get a feeling for what a particular job requires. Then start talking out loud about it. Mention your goal to family members and friends and start observing their reactions. If you require more education for that job, look for courses at educational institutions. You can use www.canlearn.ca, for instance, to check for programs. You can also meet with educational counselors from a wide range of institutions. If you don't need more education, start searching your network for people who might be within that six degrees of separation between you and your next job. Follow leads. Just get moving.

As you begin to move, watch out for the trap inherent in aiming for perfectionism. "Action, not perfection, creates results." This meditation landed in my email inbox after I'd signed up at www.mymeditations.com. The daily meditations don't always hit me between the eyes, but this one did. Perfectionism enables us to be lethargic and to avoid our fears. It can give us a false sense of superiority that inhibits us from being open to the wide array of possibilities before us. It's important to limit research and planning to a reasonable amount and to begin acting.

Reflection 4: It's easy to get excited about the pursuit of a new job and forget your existing work. In all the excitement about getting back to the paid workforce, you may temporarily forget what role you want to fill as a mother. Make a realistic estimate about how many hours your mothering job takes as well as how many hours you have gained now that your child is in school. Think about whether you'll need any child care and how much. Figure out how to balance your goals. Do actual calculations (yes, write down numbers) to make sure your hopes are feasible.

Reflection 5: Here's where we get mystical. Remember who you were before you became a teenager. Recall the strength and decisiveness you exhibited, the clarity with which you understood the world before adolescence hit you like a tsunami. Speak to that strong girl still inside. Remind her of the amazing accomplishments she's had lately, which include growing another human in her womb and surviving while it came out. Remember the amazing ability you displayed in healing yourself and then nurturing a child or children.

You may not receive much reverence for this but early human mothers did, as evidenced by the awe and amazement of the power of the female in Goddess worship.

Recognize the divine qualities you have demonstrated in recent years. Creativity? Nurturing? Good with numbers? A diplomatic communicator? What other divine qualities do you demonstrate through your work, paid or unpaid? In Nepal, people greet each other with the word namaste which means, "I salute all divine qualities within you." Salute your own divine qualities.

Reflection 6: The labour market does not have to be perceived as a competitive feeding frenzy. You can opt to see it as a search for other members of your tribe. Look for the people with whom you'll feel both comfortable and challenged. These people are doing the work you'd like to do, in the way you want to do it, and for the reasons you want. If this ends up being to just make some extra money in a friendly environment, that may be enough. Look for people with whom you'll enjoy spending time.

Reflection 7: Finding your tribe and work that will fit your life with its increased complexities will take time and energy. Furthermore, you may be lonely along the way. You may be rejected. Refuse to see this as a failure, but as an indication that you have not yet found your tribe. Reflect only on your communication, to ensure that you are authentic in your presentation of yourself. Understand that you may not fit an employer's needs, but that this is a function of "fit", not failure. Then continue and try again.

Reflection 8: The development of self-confidence is a lifelong goal and that we are all works in progress. Self-confidence comes with success. Little boosts of self-confidence come from little successes. An unsuccessful interview where you performed well will bring self-confidence for the next interview. The more you try, the more success you can hope to gain.

Most people don't feel self-confident as they pursue their goals. Understand that most people are as terrified as you are, that they struggle with lethargy and indecisiveness just as you might. Goal achievers, however, just keep trying and they don't give up.

A popular saying bandied about in the past couple of years has been, "a single moment can change your life." Let me add my variation to the theme by saying a single sentence, offered at the right moment, can change your life. Talk about your feelings to friends, but then be sure to listen to and evaluate what they say. That single sentence may be coming to you over the next cup of coffee.

Gwen Pawlikowski is a Vancouver-based career counsellor and job search instructor.