REVIEWS

Mommy Wars offers a chance to share battle scars

Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families Edited by: Leslie Morgan Steiner Random House, 2006 ISBN#1-4000-6415-5 336 pages Stories from the Front

Mommy Wars raises awareness of one of the most recent ways that women have found to be nasty and competitive with each other.

I was delighted to find Leslie Morgan Steiner’s book detailing how we experience mommy wars, the rivalry between women who leave their careers to care for children and those who continue work and use child care services. As a cultural phenomenon, the rivalry fractures women’s relationships with each other and establishes a contest to see who’s making the uber-est children of all. Nobody wins in this war. More competition is the last thing we need; more understanding the first. Mommy Wars delivers that.

The 26 essays in this book offer a wide range of opinions from stay-at-home, working-part-time and working-full-time women, mostly freelance writers. They tell very personal stories of their experiences on the battlefront. The themes of the stories will be familiar to most moms.

For me, the draft into the mommy wars, as described by this collection of essays, happened a decade before I was a mommy.

I wrote a newspaper column lamenting a comment I’d heard while covering a droning school board meeting. A man, older, white, mentioned that a female employee of the board was leaving her position “to be a mother.”

My ears perked up, although motherhood was certainly then not on my future agenda in those halcyon days of my early 20's. However, I listened more and learned that the woman being discussed was actually not pregnant, but already mothering two children. Aha! I thought with feminist zeal, so she doesn’t merit full “mother” status until she’s given up her job and stays at home with the kids full time. The column, in support of any mother’s right to work outside the home, grew from there.

In terms of reader response, the column was a hit. In particular, a stay-at-home mom sent me a disparaging note in which she quoted Napoleon, talked about what God figures moms should be up to, the good of the country and so on.

At the time, I felt the same questioning as many of the writers of Mommy Wars, edited by Steiner, a Washington Post executive: why are we so compelled to force our lifestyle choices on others? Perhaps this is a spin-off of the abortion debate, where there’s no possible agreement. Steiner sums up the dilemma adeptly in her introduction.

“Working moms might conceivably be grateful to moms who stay home and run our schools, our communities, a good chunk of our kids’ worlds. And stay-at-homes might arguably appreciate the working moms staying late to get the big promotions, fighting to increase women’s presence on company boards and the front page of The Wall Street Journal, campaigning to win elections” (p. xxii).

Truly, we need each other if we want a fairer, safer world for both girls and boys, although my reasoning at the time I entered the mommy wars was simple. I felt strongly that moms who need to work outside the home, for whatever reason, shouldn’t be given a hard time. Moms who choose to stay home full time should be given equal respect. Life as a mom is tough enough without us (i.e., women) beating ourselves and each other up.

Reading Mommy Wars now, several years after my first battle, my reaction is the same and I was delighted to read articulately-expressed, crisply-edited prose that demonstrated this same live-and-let-live notion. Rather than dictate what is the correct way to mother, the authors remind us that individual circumstances shape our choices: we do what we do more because of external events than internal values, although those play a role, too. Ultimately, the book made me want to learn more about the stories of the moms in my neighborhood, the moms that I meet each day. I feel more curious now about what has shaped their decisions. See Stories from the Front for some of these.

Mommy Wars fully engaged me intellectually and emotionally. I devoured it. I was so happy to hear the voices of other moms, just like me, with their similar tensions and difficulties. The book goes beyond the war so that writers can provide the context that has shaped their mothering experience. Reshma Memon Yaqub’s describes her nights with a new restless baby, while her husband sleeps. She decides, to contain her frustration, that it’s easier to doze in the baby’s room until he learns to sleep through the night. “It’s too hard to come back to my bed after each feeding and listen to snoring, and not punch [my husband] awake, and not pull his hair” (p.256). You probably didn’t read about this reaction in What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Mommy Wars overflows with gritty opinions that aren’t necessarily charming, feminine conversation. That’s why the book is so great.

A couple of the moms write about their battles with cancer and how the disease shaped their choices about work versus home. Another mom wrote about how the care of her autistic child influenced her choice. My favorite essay, "Happy" by San Francisco writer Anne Marie Feld, described the writer’s decision to become a stay-at-home mom as a result of her own working mother’s life and death. Mommy Wars gave me a short walk in the shoes of these moms. Their shoes hurt.

Many moms voiced emotions: the same outrage, frustration and contempt that I have felt in the course of being both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom, since I’ve done both. It was lovely to be in the company of these vibrant communicators and to commiserate. Equally enjoyable, certainly, are the tender and painful moments of parenting also captured eloquently.

Finally, I appreciated the absolute absence of judgment. Whether the editor has carefully nixed that or the writers have restrained themselves, I was relieved, for once, to not be advised. The exorbitant amount of unsolicited advice that comes the way of moms serves as a reminder of just how much respect we don’t get.

I’m not much farther ahead in my quest to understand why we can’t stop our war with each other. Perhaps we mothers are as sexist as the culture that surrounds us. I did anticipate the Mommy Wars would give more analysis of the social structure that leaves women with a smaller share of the wage pie and bigger share of the workload. However, the book isn’t really about analysis as much as it is about lived experience. Still, one writer offers an interesting opinion which touches part of the problem:

"With no accepted cultural norms for women’s lives and no societal provisions for adequate parenting, women struggle individually to construct and then justify their lives. Understandably, this lonely struggle leaves us worried and threatened by women who have taken a different path" (p. 304).

At the end of Mommy Wars, I’m left with that same sad resignation as I had at the very beginning of my entry into this unarmed service. Mothers, most of us anyway, face difficult choices and an overabundance of things to do. Memon Yaqub sums it up well.

"Have kids, the world tells you. Go forth and breed. But when it comes down to backing up moms and kids, our society sucks" (p. 258.) That leaves us fighting and bickering over meager spoils. We become sensitive to those who make different choices and constantly question our own. Whatever we decide, stay at home or career, we know both roads offer gains and losses.

Still, the worst enemy doesn’t have to be ourselves.

Arghavan’s story

Arghavan Reghabi moved to the Greater Vancouver area from Iran when she was married 14 years ago. She has three beautiful children who all go to school, giving her a chance to go back to school herself and find another career, in addition to home management.

LR: How do you describe yourself?

AR: I consider myself as a full-time worker; however, I stay at home and take care of my three children.

LR: What circumstances, values and/or life events led you to the style of mothering you currently have?

AR: When I was about seven years old, I always voluntarily took care of a baby cousin at parties. After my high school, I wasn’t really interested to continue education even though I was interested in art. I took some courses in hairdressing, cooking and baking. After my marriage, I took some English courses to try to cope with my life in Canada as a newcomer. Since financially I was OK, I decided to have a baby and then look for a career later. The reason I had two other children was that I wanted to be holding a baby in my arms as long as possible during my life.

LR: Assuming we are all works-in-progress, how have you achieved “peace” (whatever that is) with your choice?

AR: I achieve peace by accomplishing everything I expected to do so far. Perhaps working moms experience a shortage of time spent with children; on the contrary, stay-at-home moms don’t gain career reputations or salaries. From my perspective, life is a challenge. I can’t get everything at the same time. However, I try to enjoy whatever my situation is. As a result, if we think positively, and be realistic, then we can enjoy our lives without regrets.

Gillian’s Story

Gillian Wells is a Greater Vancouver area mom who works in the airline industry. She has a six-year-old daughter.

LR: How do you describe yourself?

GW: working-part-time mom

LR: How many hours per week do you work outside the home?

GW:25-37.

LR: What circumstances, values and/or life events led you to the style of mothering you currently have?

GW: Financially and needing my own space to be with other people. Jessie is my first priority and she always will be.

LR: Assuming we are all works-in-progress, how have you achieved “peace” (whatever that is) with your choice?

GW: Respecting myself first and being happy within me keeps me going everyday. If you don’t feel happy with yourself, you can’t teach and guide your children. I can’t be who I am at home or at work without my own skills to life.

LR: Has your mothering experience turned out as you expected?

GW: Yes, whatever that may be. I take each day as it comes and I try to teach Jessie life skills that will keep her safe and strong for her life.

LR: How have you experienced the rift, or perhaps even rivalry, between moms who do paid work outside the home and those who do unpaid work inside the home (stay-at-home moms and working moms)? If you have a particular example to share, that’d be great.

GW: No, I have no rift with any stay-at-home mom. I would love to stay at home but I enjoy working. I truly believe that if you have a job that you enjoy going to, it makes a big difference. Jessie understands that Mummy has to work and that I do this for her to have a roof over her head and food in her tummy. I also get her treats so she knows that my hard work isn’t just for nothing.

Gwen’s story

Gwen Pawlikowski edits The Ladies’ Room magazine, teaches English and is mom to two school-age children.

LR: How do you describe yourself?

GP: A working full-time+, paid part-time mom.

LR: How many hours per week do you work outside the home?

GP: 15 hours of paid work but I can do it inside my house on the Internet.

LR: What circumstances, values and/or life events led you to the style of mothering you currently have?

GP: From the time my first child was about 8 months old until he started kindergarten, I worked about 20 hours a week outside my home and my children stayed in a wide range of child care situations. When my son started kindergarten, the logistics of getting him to school and picking him up matched with the higher costs for child care became overwhelming. It just seemed like an expensive and overly-complicated fiasco for a job that I enjoyed, but didn’t see leading to a strong career reward in the future. Plus, I couldn’t get my head around the idea that my salary, minus very reasonable childcare costs, still left me working for about $4/hour. So, these factors, plus wanting to give my kids a strong academic start to their school lives, led me in the direction of becoming a stay-at-home mom.

LR: Assuming we are all works-in-progress, how have you achieved “peace” (whatever that is) with your choice?

GP: I was constantly exhausted in my previous lifestyle. I have much more peace now that I get enough sleep and have time to cook more. I worry about my career and my resume but I hope to have the personal strength to overcome these in the future. I work at networking where I am and hope that being a positive and supportive person in the community around me will lead me to whatever the next career step is.

LR: Has your mothering experience turned out as you expected?

GP: No, not at all. I completely overestimated both my own energy and the amount of work required. I thought I would be stronger and would be better able to handle the workload more. I didn’t realize that being the parent I want to be would be so consuming. Frequently having to search for daycare was also a struggle I didn’t anticipate. I had this dream that I would just find a day care facility for my kids and that it would meet all their needs. End of story. But it’s more complex than that. I also didn’t anticipate that child care would require so much of my salary. I guess I didn’t do the math for childcare before I did the math for what days I’d be ovulating.

On the up side, there are many sweet moments that cheer me. I didn’t anticipate being so touched by the small moments possible in each day.

LR: How have you experienced the rift, or perhaps even rivalry, between moms who do paid work outside the home and those who do unpaid work inside the home (stay-at-home moms and working moms)? If you have a particular example to share, that’d be great!

GP: I’m not sure whether I am overly paranoid or overly perceptive. When I was a working mom and picking up kids at daycare, I imagined that stay-at-home moms viewed me as inferior or as some kind of maternal slacker. I’m sure I was wrong and just projecting my own fears onto others. As a stay-at-home mom, I find I’m overly conscious of my very casual personal appearance and whether I’m being judged for it. Before, as a working mom, I wasn’t bothered by those thoughts. Rather, I felt, in some victorious way, “I’m off work today. Break out the baggy sweat pants!”