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Your “Get-Out-of-Shame” Guidebookby: Gwen Pawlikowski
Shame, shame, double shame Now I know your boyfriend’s name... Do you remember that terrible taunt from your childhood? The one that suggested your secret was out and your inner musings now the scorned property of a gang of ruthless 8-year-old girls? We learn shame early and we learn it well. The universal, ubiquitous condition that is shame haunts us from the beginnings of our social consciousness. We feel it deeply with blood coursing into our cheeks, hearts beating and the unnerving sense of panic and doom. It sends us into a downward spiral of self-hatred and isolation. Shame researcher Dr. Brené Brown thoroughly describes the experience in her book, I Thought it was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power And Courage in a Culture of Shame. As I read, the title kept coming into my mind, because what the writer describes has certainly been my experience and that of most readers. Through her interviews with 300+ research participants, Brown provides an array of women’s definitions of shame. Most of them will resonate with you; most of them hit way too close to home. Those uncomfortable shame memories will start creeping in... Brown’s book, however, goes far beyond the experience of feeling shame and talks about how to get past shame, to move on without having it debilitate and depress us. She describes qualities of shame resilience she studied in her research participants and talks about how anyone hoping to get past shame needs new ideas and new words to label the experience. Mothers will feel particularly touched by Brown’s work; there’s no end of shame heaped on mothers for the big and small infractions of their children. But rather than just rage at those nasty people who believe they can comment on our parenting abilities, Brown offers suggestions for moving past the emotion. These include becoming aware of shame triggers, developing a strong sense of connectedness through a support network of empathetic friends and a critical awareness of the societal values that try to keep us in shame. Among the many examples of shame Brown mentions, one that struck me was the statistic that 90 percent of women have shame about their bodies and that we feel terrible looking at ourselves naked in a mirror. Brown looks beyond this to the larger picture of the beauty and weight loss industries that thrive on this shame. Such ample business success would be impossible if we all liked ourselves. All of this understanding helps in developing shame resilience, a quality that we are all capable of developing. The book is also fascinating because we are all guilty of causing others to feel shame, even if just by doing nothing supportive. Brown uses many examples from her own lived experience. One that stays with me was about her mother’s determination to always support others in her neighborhood who were undergoing difficulty. Brown said she learned from her mother’s example to always be the one to bring a casserole to someone who has had a bad experience, whether it is a suicide of a family member, drug addiction, alcoholism or something else that falls into those socially-unaccepted categories. Rather than silently standing by and giving people in crisis “space,” Brown’s mother was active in giving support and connection. That connection is what we need during those terrible moments of shame. Brown also describes why we feel shame. She says we grow up seeing the world as two types of people: us and them. “They” are the people who are having the bad things happen to them: the divorces, the suicides, the obesity, and so on. But, as Brown says, we are all just one bad experience away from becoming one of “them” and falling into a shame spiral of aloneness and disconnection. Perhaps that was my favourite part of the book: I am them; they are me. We are all “we.” The more we can remember this, the less we will feel shame and the fewer judgments will be uttered that will send someone else into shame. Shame, shame, double shame Now I know your boyfriend’s name... Shame starts young, but we can move beyond the sick, panicked feeling. Brown’s book gives a clear map to help women do just that. Gwen Pawlikowski is a Greater Vancouver writer and editor of The Ladies’ Room. She has survived her share of shameful experiences and would like to someday be shame-free or maybe even shame-less. She is the mother of two school-aged children and earned a Master’s degree in Education. Between the two, the mothering part has been a lot harder. GP: As I read the book, I frequently found myself thinking about the title. Did, "I thought it was just me..." come up often as a comment among your research subjects? The comment also suggests a huge sense of relief. Is that part of your hope for what your work will accomplish? Dr. Brown: We really struggled over the title for this book. The marketing and sales folks who work for the publisher didn’t want the word shame on the front of the book. I, of course, insisted that shame be a part of the title or subtitle (naming it is the whole point). After going back and forth for months, my editor called and said, “I have an idea! Write down the most common responses you hear at lectures and workshops.” The very first thing that popped up for me is, “I thought it was just me.” I hear this all the time. Every woman I know can relate to the stories in the book. We connect to the stories because we have all experienced not feeling “enough.” For some of us it’s about our body or our money. Some women feel that way about their age, their mental health struggles or their families. We might have different issues, but we all wrestle with shame. Some of the stories reflect our lives and others are familiar because it’s happening to our sister or our neighbor. Shame makes us feel so alone and isolated. It’s much easier to wake up and face our struggles when we know that everyone is imperfect and there are a whole bunch of folks in the same boat. People are often afraid of doing the shame resilience work; however, almost immediately we start to feel liberated. “I thought it was just me” is about finding the courage we need to tell our story, cultivating the compassion we need to hear others tell their stories and building connection. GP: I had a dual reaction to your book. I relived many of my own shame experiences, but also became aware of some things I may say or do that cause other women to feel shame and disconnection. When I reflect on the latter, I wonder how I can maintain authenticity, but not cause shame. Does this mean I should never reveal my own opinions, preferences and so on for fear that I will inadvertently prompt someone into shame? To what extent should we hold back from speaking our own values? What are some healthy interpersonal skills that prevent shame? Dr. Brown: This is an important question because we are all vulnerable to experiencing shame and equally vulnerable to perpetuating it. Interestingly, we often feel shame and shame others around the same issues. Motherhood and parenting are two powerful examples. Most of us feel very vulnerable around these issues. We are doing the best we can, yet we know we’re imperfect and making mistakes. There are so many unattainable expectations and shaming messages about being the “perfect mom” – it’s ridiculous. Many of us struggle with “mom shame” pretty often. This leaves us feeling judgmental, defensive and disconnected. One way we discharge the pain of shame is by shaming others. There are many ways to express our opinions and ourselves without shaming other people. “I” statements are very useful. Rather than making proclamations about the right way or the wrong way, we can stick to talking about what works for us. There’s a big difference between “you’re wrong” and “this is the way I do it.” If people choose to take “this is the way I do it” as a criticism, that’s not something we can control. In the book I identify the top high-vulnerability areas as parenting, partying and partnering (the 3 P’s). In my first book I called them the “life filters.” Over the years we tend to disconnect from our friends who don’t share our beliefs about parenting, affairs, drugs and alcohol. I smiled when I read your example – it fits perfectly with my research. Let’s take a look: As an example, let's say someone I know is a casual user of soft, somewhat socially acceptable drugs. At the same time, I don't want that in my life. How would you negotiate this situation? I love that you use the word “negotiate.” That’s the problem with these high-vulnerability areas – we normally don’t negotiate. Every person has to figure out how negotiable they are. For me, I do not want to be around any drug use (soft and socially-acceptable are irrelevant). Do I have friends who smoke pot? Probably. I’m not sure because they don’t do it around me and we’ve never talked about it. I’ve never shamed them about it but I have very clear boundaries about drugs and alcohol. I probably haven’t needed to say anything because most of my friends know that I’ve been sober for very long time. Again, there is a subtle but important difference between, “I’m uncomfortable with you doing this in front of me” and “You’re wrong for doing this.” GP: The shame among mothers was particularly meaningful to me, because there are just so many opportunities to feel it. How much does competition factor into these relationships? For instance, have you noticed that the most recent way to compete seems to be about how healthfully we are feeding our children, and "what my children ARE NOT allowed to eat or ARE given to eat?" (Kind of a new take on conspicuous consumption.) Dr. Brown: I laughed hard when I read this question. I was in the grocery store last week and my 21-month old son, Charlie, had donut smeared all over his face. I was a little self-conscious about the donut but kept telling myself to calm down. Well, wouldn’t you know that I ran into a good friend who is very strict about sweets with her kids. We chatted for a minute then I said, “You know we never let them eat donuts.” AGH!!! Why did I do that? Why did I feel the need to explain and defend the cinnamon twisty? I hear moms (including myself) do this all the time. “They’re not allowed to drink sodas.” “They’re not allowed to watch anything but PBS.” “They’re not allowed to eat chips.” “We always get the fruit cup instead of the fries.” I think it’s incredibly important to help kids develop good eating habits, but to turn it into a competition contributes to the shame and blame culture. All of these things are code for “I’m better than you.” My defense of the cinnamon twisty was code for, “Don’t you think you’re better than me.” Again – we all have to exercise caution in the high-vulnerability areas. The best medicine is telling our stories then laughing and learning together! GP: Is there a "golden rule" for women trying to overcome shame? Dr. Brown: No rules, just mindful work. It takes a lot of practice, courage and compassion. You need a good friend or sister or partner with whom to practice and talk. Shame happens between people and it heals between people. GP: The end of your book discusses men's shame. Will your next book be about men and shame? Dr. Brown: I’m not sure. I am going to record a couple of CDs this year - one on men and shame and the other on spirituality and shame. They’ll be available on my website in the fall. I’m also thinking about doing a series of personal essays about my struggles with this work and my life. I might do this as a blog series. If you have any suggestions about the direction of my work and my next writing adventure, I’d love to hear them! Check out www.brenebrown.com for more info. |
