» TOKEN MALE

Who said Women are more Intuitive?

Much of my daily working environment is immersed in the multifaceted realms of feminine energy. I guess after a while you get used to the constant energetic interplay among the 13 girls in the office. You know the kind of thing I mean: discussing the finer points of making and matching jewellery, the new decorative bellybutton piercing, and the inevitable fashionable tattoo statement, displayed with an "Oops - I didn't mean for you to see that, Nigel". Blah Blah Blah. To be fair, summer dress code has been in vogue (terrible male attempt at a cliché). I must admit it's been interesting watching the summer dress code going from "summer smart" to just plain "it's freakin' hot, so let's wear summer comfortable".

Late August and early September are busy birthday months at my office. Emails fly backwards and forwards, enough volume to disrupt even the hardiest network administrator's daily server quota. Yet, and a BIG male yet, it never seems that a quick and decisive collective decision can be made over the gift, etc. for the upcoming birthday girl or boy. Being the only boy - any participating ladies in the office have to deal with me on this item only once a year. In August, I might add. Ah, you are saying to yourself, where is he going with this?

Settle in and let me continue. As a group, we have always burst into a round of "happy birthday" to the star of the day and have traditionally shared a cake. Thankfully, as all of us are watching our figures with have had the good fortune of having an almost "FAT FREE" vegetarian Zucchini Chocolate cake or a piping hot fruit crumble. Thanks ladies. I admit to enjoying this element of the proceedings. I guess it time to really get down to my Token Male rant. When it comes to imparting the gift to the on-the-spot birthday person, it's simple mathematics to factor into your developing mental movie that the majority of the time it's a female receiving a birthday gift. Right!

The opening of the b-day present in front of the group is an amazing spectacle to observe. Firstly, the receiver fondles and possibly smells the gift. Next, there is an interesting, pregnant pause while the group waits hopefully for approval and indirect validation that the full flow of emails have had some value in helping to come to a final choice over the ultimate gift. A very interesting sort of tribal process, don't you think? I guess your response about now is probably gender-based. Let's continue. Back to the mental movie scene. The wait is finally sanctioned as over when the receiver says something like "Oh my God, it's just what I wanted - how did you know?" Simultaneously, around the room, almost with the precision of a Swiss watch, all but one person's head nods knowingly. Women's intuition has once again been demonstrated on mass. Guess who didn't nod in agreement, but just smiled and internally said, "If it has made you happy, that's what counts." That would be me, the Token Male.

Prior to my birthday, one of the ladies sent me an email. Its contents read something like this: Ok Nigel, let's cut the crap. What would you like for your birthday? I just burst out laughing because this is the sort of email that should have been penned by a male author. The author heard my belly laughing and quickly came over to speak with me. "So, what do you want," she inquired?

Now this is when I took a calculated risk with my once-a-year opportunity to receive what I wanted. I was quickly reminded to stay within reason - i.e., NO 1973 Ferrari Dino in classic silver. Damn. Oh well, maybe next year. So, I just opened my mouth and out came the words "I would like something spiritual, please." What was I thinking? Well, having observed the tribal ritually over the proceeding months, I calculated that it could work for me. I had visions of opening my birthday present and saying "Oh my God, how did you guess?" And if you guessed that all the heads would nod knowingly, you must be a guy. Full marks. If you knew because you claim it's natural and women's intuition, you don't need to have me qualify your gender.

So, here I am, I have just said, "Something spiritual, please" and then the strangest thing happens. I get a flash of inspiration. Why not trust that women's intuition will know what I mean by "spiritual?" You see, this element of the female psyche has always intrigued me because I have always been told, mostly by women, that they have a far superior intuitive ability to the mere, mortal male such as me. WOW! Considering my present would undergo the intuitive scrutiny of 13 women, I expected it would be fantastic. Man, I could hardly contain my anticipation. I must admit to trying to second-guess the combined total of 13 women's potent intuitive power. Would it be a gift symbolizing some form of ancient antiquity? Perhaps a crystal of some kind infused with the energetic healing properties? Or maybe some healing oils to help the aggravating, trapped, left radial nerve in my shoulder?

Coming to work on the Monday morning of my birthday celebration was a dream journey. I didn't notice any of the other people on the train, and my mind was on the afternoon. It will probably happen after 3:00pm, I thought, so that everyone can be available. I waited and waited. I had to leave at 4.15 pm for a medical appointment. The boss knew this, so what was the bloody delay? I could hardly contain my composure. I, of course, acted cool, calm and collected. (All males learn this as they transition into manhood. Read Bly's words of wisdom in Iron John.)

Finally, at 4:00pm, the little meeting bell went ding-a-ling. With excitement, I came out to the front of the office and sort of pretended that I wasn't quite sure what was about to transpire. Well, in came the fruit crumble with one lonely candle on top. (In hindsight, I realize this was an omen). The air was filled with the sweetest sound of "Happy birthday" being sung to me, celebrating my turn in the order of the office. I felt so good and so special. it made me feel that I had a special kind of permission to make a secret wish before I blew out the candle. This I did. The crumble looked and smelled so good. I couldn't wait to taste it. Ahhhh, I thought, now to the manifestation of 13 women's combined intuitive power: what did they get me?

I scanned the room looking for any opportunity to gain a sneak preview. I was very honoured when the boss stepped forward to present me with my gift. She started to speak. I heard the first few words and then it became somewhat of a blur. I remember being offered a birthday card and being told about "Nigel" in the U.K. He is a popular children's book character and his image graced the front of my birthday card. The handwritten wishes inside become very blurry from this point forward. I read a reference to a green vegetable up my arse and spirituality? When this direct reference to a carefully-inserted cucumber was mentioned, all I could think about was my internal test for prostate cancer scheduled for a few days later. This was the first direct indication that NO, I repeat, NO, women's intuition was working. Having a doctor's col, bony finger up my anus to see if the swelling is something I should be concerned about is not a fervent wish I would want for anyone. Oh well, age and wisdom before beauty. A probable simple case of misjudgment on the part of youthfulness. There has been all this hype in our office about breast cancer, not surprising given the history and majority gender, but little acknowledgement of the horrors of cancer elsewhere in the body.

As a Token Male, I feel that it's very important that the majority reader remember this fact from www.prostatecancerfoundation.org. "In 2005, over 232,000 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer, and over 30,000 men will die from it in North America.". Yep, token males have their own gender-based cancer nemesis to keep them awake at night as they battle their internal demons of death.

So, eventually, what present did I get? I got a white envelope with cash! I now realize that one of my closer colleges perhaps had some sense about how I might feel. Well I want to believe this. If you know it's you, please don't shatter my illusions., I'm a fragile token male honest enough to wear my feelings on my sleeve.

Here some cultural educational facts. Did you know that presenting a white envelope with an outside list of the contributing names and containing money is not something you give to a Chinese person or a family members of a Chinese person? This is normally reserved for funerals or in the event of pending death. I didn't know this, but my partner is Chinese and she is somewhat culturally superstitious. Now, that warrants an "Oh my God". My partner now needs to by me a gift to cancel any possible curse upon me.

This whole episode has been interesting to say the least. I wonder if it would have been different if I hadn't mentioned my trust in 13 women 's intuitive powers? Perhaps the lesson is mine; do I ever trust a woman's intuitive powers ever again? Or can I give the ladies a convenient escape route, such as, maybe Mercury is still retrograde?