» TOKEN MALE

Resistance to Christmas (is futile?)

Oh my God, Christmas is just around the next gut-wrenching emotional bend!

I will have to endure the pre-festive shopping stampede yet again. (Maybe this was the original conscious thinking for Déjà vu.) Oh well. I will have to spend time on the mental battlefield fighting with the voice of the trickster, telling me what I should purchase for the love interest in my life.

You see the problem goes like this: do I act with wayward abandon and go for the two-night getaway in Whistler, with the romantic evening meal followed by the foot massage and hopefully finished off with the most delightful of desserts, sex?

Or, should I secretly and strategically place a gift of "Gorgeous, Knock-out Lingerie" on her pillow? No, maybe in the bathroom. That way she will find it when she goes to have a shower to freshen up and slip into "something more comfortable," as they say in the movies. Meanwhile, I am putting on a Barry White CD (Hey, I'm 46 and Disco Rocks), dim the lights, light candles, turn up the room temperature (I know she gets cold, don't want that wrecking things.) Oh, man, I can't wait.

Stop it, Nigel. You're just daydreaming. It will never happen. The trip's too expensive and she won't want us to spend money we don't have (weird, I have a credit card. Isn't that what they are for?) Bummer. See what I mean about the battlefield of the Mind and that little voice of the Trickster? What about all I had to go through to even pluck up the courage to go it alone into the women's lingerie store? You know, the one with the sales girl who still has acne and her virginity. By now you are on the mental path of judging me. What's his problem? Why be embarrassed over this? It's just underwear.

That's exactly my point. Are our differences rooted in gender or personal preference? You tell me? I just look at the data. Lingerie has been around a lot longer that you, sister. Victoria's Secret is a successful US company, run by women for women. It specializes in romantic lingerie that has earned an international name and female following. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wonder if they have Victoria Secret party-plan selling. So, maybe the real question is, should I even be buying the lingerie? Or am I breaking some unwritten women's shopping code? After all, I would never spend the time and effort in the store that my female counterpart would. I guess the risk against reward factor now comes into play. Needs more contemplation.

This brings me onto the second Christmas shopping horror. The office kris-kringle tradition. Every year we have to choose a name out of a hat, then buy three things for that person based on previously-set themes. Yeah, you guessed it. We get nominations like "something wet" or "something hairy." Also, "something long… and hard…" Oh yeah, that was an easy one for me!

In my office, the ratio is 13 to one. That's 13 women and one man, little old me. You have to admit that this is an unusual office gender ratio. I maintain that I have a major karmic debt to pay to the female race. Therefore, I am in part being apprenticed to some of the finer and higher cognitive-thinking elements such as shopping. It was spooky that for two years running I picked the same co-worker's name. If that's not an indicator of karmic debt, what is?

Anyway, I spent a lot of time and energy trudging round and round the endless shopping malls, only stopping for the call of nature. It was awful, the bright neon lights, the constant background din interspersed with cackles emanating from somewhere on the higher end of the female version of the diatonic scale.

As I reflect back on this, I feel that I am a failed apprentice to a pastime that is mostly revered by the female race. What have I done wrong, what did I miss?

Why can't I rise to stand naked in front of the shopping altar? I have no incantation to chant, no offering of clipped Winners coupons and no confessional to make. The excitement of the pre-festive shopping trip still eludes me. The impending stress builds as we propel toward Christmas.

The angst on my mental shopping battlefield is dark and ugly. My experience of shopping has left me ill-equipped to handle the situation, please can someone give me some advice or supportive feedback?

If you want your man to understand and appreciate your desire for regular outings to the shopping mall, email the editor with your comments and feedback. Then this "Token Male" will report on your comments and advice in an upcoming article.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from a Token Male wandering through the mall, searching for the right one (gift, that is.)